The Voting Dead

Protecting Your Right to Vote While Dead

In wake of the justice department’s civil rights division blocking Texas’s new law requiring voters to present photo identification at the polls, Texas has now passed another law requiring proof that voters at the polls are actually alive. Stating that voting is a sacred right of living citizens, Texas once again has attempted to do its duty of protecting the integrity of that right.

The new law would require poll workers to examine those arriving at the polls who appeared to be dead to assess signs of life. Such persons would be asked to breath onto a mirror to determine if they were actually breathing.

If no signs of breath could be ascertained the poll worker would then check for a pulse. If no pulse could be found the person would not be allowed to vote. Texas’s Attorney General has released a statement that the law was carefully crafted with challenges to its constitutionality in mind and believes it is well within constitutional requirements of both the Texas state and US Constitutions.

“Not so fast!” says the Justice Department. While agreeing that voting integrity is very important Eric Holder in a news brief today expressed that even such good and lofty goals cannot be allowed to infringe upon citizens rights to not be discriminated against. The justice department has vowed to block implementation of this law as well until Texas can show that this does not place an undue burden on Hispanics, and especially upon handicapped persons who often must be wheeled into the voting booth in their wheelchairs or even strapped to refrigerator dollies by their caretakers and even physically assisted to vote when they are too physically incapacitated to do so. It is “unconscionable,” said Holder, “that citizens already ravaged by ill fortune, being so incapacitated that they cannot even lift their arms without assistance would again be victimized by being shamed at the voting booth by being put through the humiliation of having to prove they are alive. Imagine the dishonor of a horribly wounded veteran who has bravely and honorably served his country and had his arms, legs, and perhaps even his head blown off, only to suffer the further dishonor of having to prove he was alive just to participate in that sacred right he gave so much to protect! Those civil rights leaders of our great nation have fought and sacrificed far too much to allow such an abomination, that even our nations heroes fought, bled, and even died to protect the country and that right, should now be disenfranchised in this blatant political stunt from voting by the mere fact that they died in protecting that right. It simply cannot, and will not be tolerated that the Extreme-Right continues to attempt to whittle away at our sacred rights, and such will not be tolerated as long as I am Attorney General.”