Health Care Compliance Police - Part Duh

That's "Part Two" for those of you who missed the hysterical Charlie Sheen Rambo - Part Two spoof.

So I have an update to the merry-go round post.  It is another fascinating angle to the whole Health-care issue.  I was watching O'Reilly and Beck doing a segment on this very topic and Beck raised a very good point.  If we have to fund your Health-care we should be able to have a say in how you live your life so as to not squander our money.  So I think we, or our government agents should be able to control what you eat, whether you smoke, and enforce that you get a proper amount of exercise, etc.  Further, I think we should be able to control any dangerous activities that you might participate in that could put you at risk, and therefore raise the costs to all. Skiing and snowboarding would definitely be out.  Likewise rock-climbing and skydiving. Oh, and those skyrocketing STD costs? Well we'll need to track and control your sexual liaisons to keep health-care costs in check.

Of course there are those scoff-laws that would try to ignore these "common sense guidelines for the good of all,  that are really just designed to contain out-of-control Health-care spending."  I think therefore some of our government Health-care tax dollars should go to the creation of a Health-care Enforcement Department to ensure compliance with nutrition, health, and safety guidelines.  Of course this would all be administered through "Voluntary compliance.  Everyone would get a universal health-care card;  Kind of like a National ID, or a National driver's license.  After all, if they can give you a Social Security card, why not a "Social Health-care" card? It would be just like the drivers license laws where you can refuse to take the breathalyzer but they  can revoke your license if you refuse to comply. So it would work something like this:

The FBHC [Federal Bureau of Health-Care Compliance] officer shows up at your door and  tells you that they are there to examine your residence and interview you in regard to suspected violation[s] of Health-Care ordinance HCC 100.43.789[d]. They go on to inform you that your compliance is strictly voluntary but that refusal will result in suspension of  all Health-Care licenses associated with this address including the "primary and sub-licensees" [Parents & children] So maybe this was just a random screening as required by the HCC [Health-Care Code] or perhaps it was in regard to a tip from a neighbor.  The agent is sorry but she can't tell you who turned you in.  It's part of a new amendment to the HIPPA privacy laws.  Well you really can't afford to get dropped from the system now as your child would lose his government provided Ritalin, and imagine the horror of that!  Also,  if your teenage daughter got knocked-up again you'd have to pay for the abortion yourself, or just have another useless little eater under your roof.  [But on the other hand there would be the extra welfare dollars; - hmmm? decisions-decisions.] So you let them in.  After all, you are a law abiding citizen. What do you have to hide?

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So, the inspection didn't go so well. She found the refined sugar, some non goat-cheese, and the beer in the fridge. Uh, yeah... those are violations of new sections of the code, she informs you.  She provides you with the pertinent sections of the code.  Good thing she didn't find the bootleg cigarettes your son has stashed with his playboys or you would all be screwed.  She also found some huge glaring gaps in your workout validation log from the gym. Seems you have missed several of your mandatory cardio-classes.  Then there is the sex-log. It  seems that your new potential boyfriend has not been screened.  She collects his contact info and demands a full STD and AIDs screening before any sexual contact will be allowed. "Do not ignore this extremely important and required step!" she warns firmly. "It is really best that you not be alone anywhere with him where things could get out of hand. After all, hormones and candlelight can can cloud the inhibitions. And for God's sake, no alcohol until your liaison has been approved! Remember, the penalties for violation of the Sexual-Protection Act are severe!"

So she doesn't suspend you right now but just confiscates the products in violation, and calls the gym to set up some remedial workout compliance there. She also schedules a follow up inspection to ensure proper compliance in the future. Hopefully you will find those cigarettes before she does, and the candy bars.

And the potential boyfriend? Well he was one of those wacko's who doesn't want his sexual history and health records submitted to the government. Well you didn't need a crazy conspiracy-nut like that in your life anyway!

So anyway, it is actually a lot easier to stay in shape, what with all of the fast food places being driven out of business by the new regulations. After all you can't have McDonalds and those other evil giant multi-national corporations making everyone unhealthy and skyrocketing the costs for everyone can we?  Sorry Mcdonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Taco Bell.... Sorry Jobs.  Oh, and all of those teenager jobs that went away? well we all have to carry our part of the load in our righteous quest for everyone to be healthy.

And in a slight digression here I'd like to address those super-cute miniature girl scouts that just rang my doorbell with their huge basket of cookies between them: Sorry Girls you are in clear violation of the law. (sugar & trans-fats!)

Well the other restaurants have also been ravaged by the new regulations.  Hard to cook without salt, sugar, cheese, trans-fats, MSG, or anything the FBHC determines unhealthy.  So the restaurants are dropping like flies too. But hey, the upside to this is that the numbers show a clear uptick in the overall health of America. Virtually all metrics show improvement, except suicide, which has "inexplicably" shown a massive spike.  And what to do about that? After all it is kind of pointless to revoke someones Health-Care privileges after they're dead.

So you say that this is a ridiculous, impossible scenario here in America? Why is it impossible, or even improbably?  It is just another step in the methodical march to a socialist nirvana that the ever growing collectivists amongst us crave.  It is actually a logical step as well.  After all the actual cost of the leviathan Health-care 'Overhaul" will have been proven,  just as all other government programs have,  to cost about five or six times what the progressives assured us it would.  And of course the lost tax revenues from the ravaged economy brought on by the strangling regulations on the food industry will have increased the deficit to a level that would make even Barack Obama blush.  And of course what do we do in such a scenario to reduce those exploding deficits from Health-Care costs?  Well he has already showed you his blueprint for that.  Why it's quite simple. We just need to "ensure" that everyone gets healthy. After all, we are all in this together...

PS: the really scary part is that the progressives reading this will actually see the scenario I described here as a perfectly acceptable part of the plan.